Let’s be honest, none of us want to grow up: get old, get a job, work in an office, and dress in the dreaded business casual. Most of us are graduating with some crazy degree with difficult classes and endless assignments to end up in a career that has nothing to do with said classes to pay off mountains of debt. Okay, I know this seems like a very dismal, bleak view of the future, but there is hope for us yet. I have done the research for you and I have compiled a list of some ideal careers for college students, so hold onto your resumés.
10. Professional Snuggler
Requirements include a warm personality, accepting of all people, and strong communication skills. Oh yeah, and it pays $40/hr. Professional and purely platonic snuggling began in Japan in some cafes and private companies and has made its way all the way to places like New York and Boston. As an alternative method of healing and medicine, getting paid serious dough to be as lazy as possible sounds like a dream come true.
9. Ostrich Babysitter
With plenty of employment in this field in Australia, you get paid to sit there and keep an eye on baby ostriches. It’s like regular babysitting but easier because they don’t talk back, cry, yell, and you can keep them in a fenced in enclosure. These big birds can get a little aggressive, however, but all you have to do is make sure they don’t peck each other to death. Sounds easy enough.
8. Duck Master
Basically playing mama duck, you parade a trail of ducks around hotels, resorts, parks, etc. In order to look after and take care of these hotel ducks you must have a passion for working with animals. Also, you get to call yourself the Duckmaster.
7. Professional Apologizer
Do you have a way with words? Do you have experience with f*cking up? Head to Japan and get hired to apologize to people on behalf of others. The only loophole with this one is you do need a college degree, so graduate in whatever the hell you want and then start saying you’re sorry. Well, after you pass a “Taylor’s” test of hypothetical situations and how you would handle them. You know, maybe this one requires too much effort…
6. Bed Warmer
This one is for me! You get paid to roll around on a hotel bed to heat it up for guests. I guess I’m moving to the UK to work for Holiday Inn. Imagine getting paid to roll and writhe and snuggle around on someone’s bed to help them sleep better…? I’ll do it.
5. Human Scarecrow
$300+ per week to literally sit in a field. Read a book, listen to music, knit a sweater, whatever; $300+ to SIT THERE. Once in a while you have to scare away some birds. If you hate people, this one is for you because you sit in the middle of nowhere all day un-bothered by human interaction and get paid to do so.
4. Paint Drying Watcher
“I’d rather watch paint dry than sit through this lecture” How many times have you said that one? A lot, I bet. Well, not you can! Earning a $40,00 to $60,000 salary, paint companies will pay you to watch their paint dry and observe color changes, time, cracks, and other little details. It sounds less boring than my geology lecture, anyways.
3. Professional Mourner
Do you have a lot of feelings? Need to take some emotions out? Well, in Asia, Africa, and the UK, someone will pay you to create a sad, mournful environment. Feel free to scream, cry, wail, sob, grieve over your impending student loan debt or 10 page paper you haven’t started. Go to someone’s funeral, cry, and let it aaalllll out. Find a mourner for yourself or employment at: www.rentamourner.co.uk.
2. Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee Tester
I’m pretty sure this job was made for me as I think Dunkies runs through my veins. For my New England-ers there is no better career than one that pays you to drink Dunkin’ Donuts coffee all day and make sure it all tastes the same. A rather sophisticated process, a day in the life of a tester includes a whole lot of coffee as they travel the world to test it.
1. Professional Netflix Watcher
You heard me. You can work from your bed and you never, ever have to put on pants. Netflix pays these “taggers” a couple hundred dollars a week to binge watch movies and shows, ranking them and categorizing them by specific types and genres. Moral of the story: you get paid to do what you’ve already been doing instead of your homework. Serious side-effects of the job include ass-numbness from sitting in bed all day and blurry vision from 10+ hours of screen time per day. I would love to have those problems.
“What am I going to do after college?” There you have it, you no longer need to worry about what you’re majoring in or what you’re going to do with the rest of your life. Next time when some distant relative asks you what you want to do at some family party be sure to rattle off a few of these options like you’ve got it all figured out. Because with jobs like these in existence, why would you ever want to be someone’s manager or teacher or writer or scientist? I want to be a damn Duck Master.
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